The Evil Queen's Not So Regal Diary
by SpottedCustard
Summary: We've all wondered what really happened during our favorite crew's time spent in the Enchanted Forest during the missing year... did Snow and Charming ever fight? Did Robin Hood really smell like forest? How about Zelena, what color of MAC eyeshadow did she use to achieve her wicked green? Here's the real story as told by none other than Her Majesty herself, the Evil Queen!


**We all know that there _had_ to be more that happened during our favorite crew's time spent in the Enchanted Forest during the missing year. However no one has been able to recall the whole story... until now! Welcome all, to Her Majesty, the Evil Queen herself's, not so regal diary!**

 **This is a work of fiction and humor so prepare yourselves!**

 **Enjoy! _SC_**

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 **The Evil Queen's Not So** _ **Regal**_ **Diary**

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _The thoughts and opinions expressed here are the Queens and the Queens alone. If anyone so much as dares disagree with them, Off with your head!_

 _ **P.S.**_ _If your name has either "Snow" or "White" in it and you're reading this, PUT IT DOWN!_

 _ **P.P.S.**_ _I mean it Snow!_

 **Day 1**

 **10:07** Am considering incinerating self with own magic. Have been walking for over two hours now and no one has offered me a horse. Aren't I the Queen? Why am I walking!?

 **10:09** It was Snow's idea to take the long way back to our castle. After almost being screeched to death by a winged beast this morning, you would think that she would let me 'poof' us all back to the castle, but no.

'Don't use your magic, Regina! We wouldn't want to put you in any danger, Regina!' She said.

Stupid Snowflake...

Currently the only danger I am in is trying to hold myself back from strangling the damn thief who is bragging about how he "saved" me from a pack of flying monkeys earlier today. Please, it was only one monkey. No, the only thing I'm truly worried about at the moment is snagging a nail and breaking it on one of these low hanging tree branches!

 **10:25** Feet hurt. Knees hurt. Even bloody hair hurts! Whoever decided that tying hair up as tightly as possible atop of head was the new "thing" for slightly-domineering and maybe a bit homicidal evil queens will have 'bouffed' their last bouffant when I find them.

 **10:31** Just stepped over a log and nearly died of a panic attack when something jumped out from underneath. Monkeys! Oh Gods! This is the end! This is the end, I know it! Goodbye cruel world ... Oh no wait, it's just a squirrel.

...

Never mind.

 **11:33** Experiencing coughing attack. Damn, forgot how constricting corsets can be.

 _Note to self: Must find some time to magic self a medieval looking bra. Will then give one to every female in the realm. Mass praise and appreciation will spread. Will be seen as hero._

Smiles.

 **11:53** Feet are killing me. Can't breathe. Can't breathe!

 **11:56** "Milady!" Thief yells from behind me.

Just act natural. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Pretend your attire isn't squeezing the life right out of you!

 **11:57** Thief has caught up to me. Can't say I'm surprised. Been walking at the speed of a beached whale for the past hour and a half.

"You seem to be out of breath," Thief says, deciding to breathe in my quickly disappearing air, "can I offer you my horse?"

' _Bout damn time._

 **11:58** The exact moment that I mount said horse Snow's voice rings out from somewhere behind us. "Let's take a break!"

 _Seriously?!_

Let out dramatic sigh. _Snowflake's timing is as impeccable as ever..._

 **12:32** Company is spread out everywhere. Dwarves are all huddled together in the corner making the most ungodly bodily sounds and the band of thieves are over in the center, setting up a quick fire whilst sword fighting with the sticks they are going to use to heat up our food.

Rolls eyes. _Gods, I'm surrounded by idiots!_

 **12:45** Lunch has been eaten. We've resumed walking. Feeling a slight crick in my side... Shouldn't have eaten that third helping of 'mystery' stew...

 **12:48** Hear footsteps from behind me. _Damn thief._ If he thinks that I'm going to allow him to help me mount his horse again he is sorely mistaken. I felt his hands lingering on my hips a good few seconds before drifting dangerously close to my ass when he had gotten me seated last time.

 _I mean I know my ass looks fantastic in this dress, but really?_

"If you think I'm going to let you put your hands on me again Thief, you've thought wrong. I don't need your help to mount a horse. I've mounted a _great_ _many_ _things_ before you and I can do so again, all by myself..." I say, mentally high-fiving myself for adding just the right amount of regal sass.

"Well that wasn't why I was coming over, but if you want me to fetch Robin Hood I can."

I turn, shocked to see the annoyingly cherubic face of Snowflake standing next to me and not the handsome Thief... _er_ , wait... _what_?

"Snow... I didn't realize it was you."

"I can tell."

She's snickering and I don't like it. I raise one regal brow, showing her just how unamused I am by her apparent amusement and she chuckles a bit more. "What?" I ask, starting to get annoyed now.

"Nothing."

She says it, but I don't think she means it.

"So..." I say, breaking up the silence before she can start to fill it with something stupid like all of the names of the birds that fly through the Enchanted Forest... I know it may sound crazy but she's done it before... It took three hours last time...

Shudder internally at the memory.

"What do you think of our new friend? Can we trust him? He _is_ a thief."

Snowflake shrugs, "Think of it from his perspective. How do you think he looks at you?"

Well currently said Thief is behind me and if _I_ were behind me looking at myself from his perspective I'd be ogling my ass... Did I mention how good my EQ - aka Evil Queen - garb makes my ass look?

Turn's head over shoulder slightly.

Over grown man-boy named something like Baes-on-fire or Bagelfire (whatever the name is of Rumple-steals-shit's son is) is definitely speaking to Thief but Thief doesn't seem to be listening. His eyes are in front of him, staring intently at a fixed point.

Follows gaze.

Yep, his eyes are definitely glued on royal EQ ass. Smile wickedly.

"Point taken." I concur.

"He's kind of cute, huh?"

Shoot Snowflake a dumbstruck look. Maybe all that hope and love mumbo-jumbo has finally gotten to her brain... Thinks maybe should change her nickname to Snowbrain from now on?

"He smells like forest." I answer sassily, totally not letting on to the fact that said forest smells like pine needles, musk, and completely consuming unbridled arousal...

"What are you smiling about?"

 _Shit_. "Nothing."

Good save, good save.

"Right." Snowbrain nods.

She says it, but I don't think she means it.

 **13:22** Do they have spa's in the Enchanted Forest? Cause I definitely just broke a nail... definitely gonna need to get a gel this time... acrylics just aren't gonna cut it in this terrain and - Damn it! There goes another one.

 **14:05** You know what, diary? Writing out the word "Enchanted Forest" takes too much time and energy... Have made executive decision, the 'Enchanted Forest' will now be referred to as the 'EF' from now on!

Slams invisible gavel against invisible base.

 _Boom_. Law.

 **15:55** Been three hours now. Took Snowflakes (decided to go back and call her that from now on... sounds better) horse when she was making googly eyes at UnCharming forever and ago. Don't think she's noticed yet...

 **15:17** Buttcheeks are so chafed.

Apparently leather pants are not the best attire for riding bareback...

Reach down, needing to peel away leather from currently inflamed area between thighs... Turns head to side in order to make sure no one is watching and let out groan of pain when I feel skin being ripped away from flesh.

Hear booming laugh from other side and whip head around. The Thief is staring at me out of the corner of his eye, signature shit-eating grin positioned firmly in place, riding right beside me.

 _WTF? When did he get there?!_

Give him best death stare but surprisingly he doesn't die. In fact, he's still cackling manically, head whipped back, tears streaming out of eyes.

Give him a somewhat confused, somewhat concerned look trying to decide whether I should worry or rejoice that he's finally lost his mind. When he stops cackling finally, long enough to take a breath, I follow his gaze down to my thighs where my hand now sits, fingers pressed tightly against crotch of my pants.

What is he staring at..? Oh. Oh wait! Does He think that..that I was... _Oh_!

Blush intensely.

Remove hand away from pants so fast, wouldn't be surprised if it looked like I'd been burned.

Damn EQ outfits with their sexy, skin tight leather pants...

 **17:08** Finally riding has commenced for the day. Had to trot on in pain for past two hours, feeling already inflamed skin rubbing against inside of leather pants, adding new burns to thighs and other girly parts as we went over a few unexpected bumps and jumps along the way.

Couldn't risk putting hand back down there again though. Was embarrassing enough being caught the first time... especially when it was by said Thief who probably thought he had caught me in a quiet moment, deciding to take advantage of the privacy and sneak in a little self pleasuring... Oh, how he couldn't have been more wrong.

It was not like I could explain though. Hadn't seen him since then. He was probably off telling his merry men about how he quite literally had caught the Queen red handed right now... Well that would surely give them something to 'make merry' about for weeks to come...

Shudders at the thought. Turns head over shoulder.

Still no sign of Thief or MMen anywhere.

"Regina!" Hear Snowflake's high-pitched voice ringing out from somewhere up in the trees.

Looks up, spotting said Snowflake about half a barn up an old Oak tree.

 _What the hell is she doing?_ I think.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yell.

"I can see it!" She yells back.

"See what?"

In a flash she isn't in the tree any more, but instead she is falling. Her small body plummeting quickly towards the earth.

Holy mother of string cheese!

Snowflake sticks the landing, balancing on her feet, removing a few twigs from her long mane before turning back to me.

"The castle." She states nonchalantly, as if she hadn't just done an unscripted reenactment of one of those flying squirrel videos that Henry used to love to show me.

"The castle? What castle?"

Snowflake rolls her little eyes, reminding me slightly of a petulant child, "Our castle," she says, dumbly.

Oh... right. My castle. The one I'm queen over. Duh, I totally knew that... _damn it._

"Right," I mutter dumbly.

Snowflake laughs stepping closer, "Come on, if we leave now we can catch up to Robin and his men. They're just ahead, scouting the roads."

She pulls, nearly taking off my arm with her haste.

 _Dear Gods, this girl will be the death of me._

 **17:17** Snowflake was right, the castle was just up the road... give or take a few hundred yards of overgrown grass, a swamp, two rose gardens now snuffed out by thorns and a moat...

"Look!" UnCharming yells, coming up from behind and pointing at the castle... honestly, it was if he had never seen one before.

Shakes head at his stupidity.

About to make a sassy comment on Charming's said stupidity when I noticed something glowing out of the corner of my eye. _What the heck?_

 **17:20** So apparently there is now a protection spell encircling my entire castle.

 _Figures_.

I leave for 28 years and somebody has the nerve to think that they can just set up a force field and move into my home.

 _Bitches_.

 **17:22** Am currently stewing, trying to think of the many ways I can make whomever decided to take up residence in my castle pay. Apparently little miss Snowflake is not down for me ripping out hearts whilst screaming 'Surprise bitch! Bet you'd thought you'd seen the last of me!'

 _What? Has no one watched American Horror Story?_

 **17:30** UnCharming's² are discussing our options in the corner. Apparently they also weren't cool with my idea of surprise attack...

 **17:35** UnCharming's² have decided that we need to take a day and 'sleep on it'. Apparently just attacking is too 'rash' for them. They think we should just forces and discuss tactics over a bon-fire...

 _I think they're all idiots. How could they have not watched AHS? Like seriously!? Jessica Lange is one hot bitch!_

 **17:36** Thief has offered us his 'tree hut' to camp at.

 _Scoff_. There is no way I'm spending a whole night with that infuriating man battling splinters and mosquitoes. It's not worth it, no matter how sexy he looks chopping logs for our fire, nor what his flexing muscles covered in sweat do for my libido... wait, _what?_

"That sounds perfect," Snowflake says. "Right, Regina?"

Turn my head towards the little ice crystal in confusion. _Huh?_

Snowflake raises her brows, giving me the 'really Regina' look.

 _I really hate the 'really Regina' look..._

"We'd be honored to stay with Robin and his men for the night," she says slowly, nodding her head at me like I'm an imbecile.

Am honestly considering burning her to a crisp right there.

Am halfway through weighing the pro's and con's when there's a warm hand on the small of my back and brain short circuits.

"This way, Milady."

I stop, shivers running down my spine as a voice as rich as whiskey tickles my ear.

 _Well... maybe_ one _night wouldn't be so bad._

I swallow hard, nodding my head just once, not daring to open my mouth as I am not sure what type of sound exactly will come out.

The Thief presses lightly on my back and I follow his lead, turning back towards the woods from which we came.

Fine, I can spend one night in the tree fort, but I swear if I find so much as one blonde hair or a bowl of porridge in my dinning room tomorrow I will have a cow!

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 _Thank you for reading! Do leave me a comment! Ta! x SC_


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